Scouting Water and Sleeping Babies

Spring has been making brief appearances in Southern Wisconsin this past week.  There's been a lot of melting going on and the sun has been shining.  It makes a person want to shake out the cobwebs and find any reason possible to get outside and feel the warm-ish breeze and listen to the birds sing.

This past winter was rough.  I normally really enjoy the snow and sometimes lament the loss of it this time of year......but not this season.  With the prolonged frigid temperatures that never seemed to let up, it was difficult to enjoy time outdoors.  Even when my husband offered to watch our son for a few hours, I didn't feel like hitting the cross country ski trails with -30 degree wind chills. My son was born in October, and I think I can count on two hands the number of times we've spent any amount of time outside besides rushing to and from the warmth of the car. So to say I have cabin fever is an understatement, and I think my son is feeling it too.

 

On one of these inspiring days when spring started to peek through the curtains of winter, I found myself driving with a sleeping baby in the backseat.  Instead of heading straight home, I took a detour to scout some trout streams near my hometown.  I've spent so much time driving into the western portion of the Driftless Area, that I've rarely fished the streams in my own backyard.  With a baby at home now, my time is a little more valuable and I don't want to be wasting 90-minutes driving to a particular stream when I could be rigged up and fishing within ten minutes of leaving my house. 

On this particular drive, I "discovered" a class II trout stream that is exactly 8-minutes from my driveway.  It wasn't very big, but the water was clear and I could see several nice runs and undercut banks from one of the bridge accesses.  After looking up the stream later on the DNR website, there's apparently 10 miles of stream to cover, which means I won't be lacking for water this season even if I stay close to home.  I had spent so much time fishing water a couple counties to the west that I never realized how much good trout water is much closer to home.  It's exciting to know I can likely spend this entire season exploring streams within a 10 mile radius from my house without getting bored.

After my son woke up, I ended the scouting mission and turned towards home, but I couldn't get the image of the perfect bubble line out of my head.  Luckily, my in-laws were visiting for the afternoon and were more than willing to babysit, so I quickly threw my gear into the car and returned to the stream.
 

I only had an hour, which led to me feeling rushed, which led to me hooking everything possible except a fish;)  It didn't help that, despite the sunshine, the air temperature was still low enough to freeze up the guides and the water was probably still pretty cold due to recent melting.  As every fly fisherman has said at least once, "It was just nice to get out."  Though I didn't kick up any fish on this particular stretch, I'm sure they're in there somewhere.  I'll certainly be heading back soon to do some more exploring.

 

Baby Duty with a Splash of Fly Casting

My son is nearly four months now, and it's true what people say about kids growing up so fast.  He's changing a little bit every day, and the past four months have been a blur. When I try to recall the first few weeks with him--or even the first month---I find it hard to remember the details. I understand now why my mother-in-law has trouble remembering specifics about my husband as a baby when I ask her for comparisons. I guess it's one of those clichés that are totally true, but you just can't realize it until you're experiencing it firsthand. I try to keep this in mind when I'm struggling to get our son back to sleep at 3:00 am or trying to comfort him when he's fussy. If I find myself daydreaming about "easier" times down the road, I try to remember that these days are fleeting and will be missed down the road. I've heard the time with a young child described as the "longest shortest time," which is a totally accurate description so far. Some days and nights drag on and I start wishing for a break, but then I look at my son and realize just how fast he's growing up. I know that the frustrations we're facing at the moment will be distant memories soon enough.

 

 

I'm fortunate to be able to stay home with my son for the first six months of his life,  which I try to appreciate when I start feeling stir crazy. I know many women have to go back to work much earlier and it must be very difficult for them. I currently get to spend every waking and sleeping hour with my son, which I'm greatful for, but it's nice to get some time to myself every once in awhile.  Thanks to my husband and the fact that our son will now take a bottle when needed, I've recently been able to get out of the house for some "me time."  These short breaks help me re-energize and I look forward to returning home to my family afterwards.  Fittingly, most of these outings have revolved around fly fishing.

 

 

My first official solo trip away from home since my son's birth was to a casting open gym. Some friends recently formed the Madison Fly Casters Club as a way for area fly fishers to get together during the offseason for some winter casting practice.  They reserved a couple basketball courts at a local sports arena and arranged for a couple hours of casting, beer drinking, and socializing.  At first it felt strange getting into the car without the baby carrier and diaper bag---I had the feeling I was forgetting something--but it didn't take me long to start enjoying the drive. I turned up the music and took in the rolling hills on each side of me. Once there, it was really nice to chat with some old and new friends about fly fishing and babies. Finding out that other parents of young kids have gone through and survived all the same problems my husband and I are facing made me see the big picture. It helped me realize that the things currently stressing us out are pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things. So overall, the open gym was a great way for everyone to fight cabin fever and get their casting arms moving again. I'm looking forward to the next one scheduled this month.

 

Photo courtesy of  https://www.facebook.com/madflycasters 

 

Just a few nights ago, my husband volunteered to babysit so I could attend the Fly Fishing Film Tour (F3T) that was in town. It was nice to sit back in the theater with a cold beer and get lost in some good fly fishing footage. It was also good to see friendly faces and visit with friends. I've met a lot of great people through fly fishing, and it's always nice to catch up with them. Though there were a few too many salt water films and not enough spring creek footage for my taste, it was a great reason for a night out in subzero temperatures.

 

 

As my son gets older and the frigid temps become more manageable, I'm sure it will be easier for me to get out of the house--with or without the baby. I'm very thankful to my husband for encouraging me to do so. He's had to work off and on over the past four months and probably feels a bit guilty that I've been "stuck" at home so much on baby duty. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have been able to get these moments to myself that helped me gain perspective and return home happy to be back on baby duty. I used to envy my husband when he had to leave for work; he was able to socialize with other adults, get out of the house, and experience some freedom without having to battle our son during naptime. I now realize, though, that I was the lucky one who got to stay home with our baby. If the first four months have gone by this quickly, he'll be a year old before we know it. Instead of worrying about whether our son is getting enough "tummy time," we'll be worrying about gating off the stairs. I'm sure as time goes by we'll look back wistfully on these early months, and rather than lamenting the weeks stuck at home on baby duty, I know I''ll appreciate the amount of time I was able to spend with my baby boy.

 

**If you're in the Madison area and interested in joining the Madison Fly Casters Club, check out their Facebook page:   https://www.facebook.com/madflycasters

Ephemeral Moments

When you're pregnant, people tell you that your life will never be the same once your baby arrives, but it's hard to fully prepare for it.  My son was born six weeks ago and the time has passed by in a flash.  Our initial days together have blended into one short window of time, yet it seems ages ago that I gave birth.

It's still strange to call him my son.  Just as it took time to start calling my boyfriend my husband after our wedding, I'm still not used to calling this baby that I carried for forty weeks and one day my son.  It sounds so official.  It's as if the use of that noun immediately moves me into the realm of full-fledged adulthood.  It was a move I was ready to make but it just hasn't entirely sunk in yet.

My maternal feelings are growing more every day.  It wasn't love at first sight as some mothers describe it, rather my son initially felt like a stranger to me.  Even though he shares half of my genetics and was a fixture inside me for nine months, it still took time for us to get to know one another once he entered the world.  We experienced some struggles the first four weeks but seem to have figured each other out recently.  I've become better at deciphering his needs and wants and he has become more reassured by me.  It's still a bit surreal at times to realize this baby belongs to me, is part of me, and that I am currently responsible for 99% of his health and wellness.  It's both sobering and comforting to realize how much he needs me at this stage of his life and how his future self will be influenced by how well I care for him now.

During the intense crying jags or the 3:00 am feedings I sometimes think wistfully about a time down the road when my son will be able to tell us what he wants and will sleep through the night, but I'm making a concerted effort to appreciate everything about these early days. I know many parents that look back longingly on this newborn period, and everyone says that kids grow up so fast.  There must be something to that cliché.  Therefore, I'm consciously trying to savor each moment with my son because there's no reversing to clock once you realize how precious this time was.


So, although I'm looking forward to the day he can walk along a trout stream with me and turn over rocks to find caddis casings, I'm appreciating the time I have with my son right now.  I inhale the smells of his milk breath and diapers, both of which only a mother can love.   I watch his eyes flutter and face contort as he falls asleep in my arms.  I enjoy our daily routine, as mundane as it may seem, because I realize how fleeting this window of our lives will be.

39 Weeks Down....1 Week to Go

With only a week remaining until the arrival of my due date, I actually have time to think about my pregnancy and what the approaching outcome will entail.  It's all been very abstract for me from the beginning.  Back in February when we got a positive pregnancy result, there weren't many physical changes to speak of and there was no tangible evidence that a baby had actually been created.  I had no morning sickness to speak of and my regular clothes fit for a long time.  Once our greenhouse season was in full swing, I became too busy to really think about my pregnancy.  I worked long days every day without much time to rest and reflect on what was going on inside my body.  To the baby's credit, he was extremely cooperative all summer.  My pregnancy hasn't prevented me from doing anything I normally do (with the exception of an October steelhead trip), and I've remained extremely active over the past nine months.  It wasn't until a week or two ago that the increased discomfort began.  It coincided with the end of our greenhouse season, so I'm not sure if I'm more uncomfortable now because the baby is at his biggest point or if it's because I have time to notice it.  Either way, I've still had it very easy overall so I don't complain much.  Sure my shoes are pretty tight now, my ribcage is sore, and I have to get up once or twice each night to use the bathroom, but things could have been much worse for much longer. 

As I said before, I stayed so busy during the duration of my pregnancy that the baby didn't start to become real to me until recently.  With the greenhouse now closed for the season, I have more free time in a single day than I had over the course of the entire summer.  I spent our first week of the off season in nesting mode:  I washed the baby clothes, organized the house, froze tomato sauce and applesauce for the winter, got the car seat installed, stocked the kitchen with food, etc.  Now that I checked off all the important things on my baby to-do list, there's days when I start to feel a bit listless.  It's only the second week of our off season and I'm already bored. Unbelievable. I should be appreciating this time to myself because I'll soon me lamenting the loss of it.  Who knows when I'll ever have this much time to myself again.....

With this new time off comes too much time to think, which has led to some mental meltdowns recently.  The labor part doesn't worry me; I know it will be painful but I know it will end, and I also know my pain tolerance is high.  Most mothers I know have gone through some sort of labor, so if they can do it so can I.  I'm also not too nervous about caring for a newborn.  I've done a lot of reading, we've taken the classes, and our families will be around to help.  The part that's been throwing me for a loop, though, is the realization that our lives are about to profoundly change.  It's actually beginning to dawn on me that we'll be bringing home a newborn sometime within the next few weeks.  The baby is still intangible to me; I don't have a picture in my head of what he'll look like, we don't have a definite name picked out yet, and I don't feel I've really bonded with him inside the womb.  Whether we're ready or not, the arrival of the baby will be the biggest life changing event in either of our lives......and it's scary.  I know the timing couldn't be better and my husband and I are not regretting the pregnancy one bit, but it's still making me very anxious and emotional lately.  Once this baby is here, our lives will have an entirely new focus.  We'll no longer just be looking out for ourselves and each other.  This baby will become the epicenter of our lives.  I know it will be a good thing but it's just begun to sink in how much our lives are about to change. I've been very independent for a very long time but will soon be retiring that independence.  I know I'll get it back eventually, but it scares me.  I also know that I'll likely forget all these fears once the baby is here.

To my husband's credit, he already loves the baby.  He is much more emotionally open than I am and I can tell he's excited for the baby to get here. I have a hunch that as my due date approaches I, too, will turn the corner and begin to look forward to the arrival of our son.  A lot of people have said to me over the past couple months, "You must be getting so excited to meet him!"  I would go along with their excitement but it wasn't genuine.  It had previously been too abstract for me, and right now I'm more anxious than excited.  When I look at the crib and baby clothes, I feel agitation rather than love.

Part of me wishes I was still working ten hours a day so I didn't have time to process everything that's going to be happening within the next few weeks, but another part of me is glad that I'm confronting these fears.  I know it's normal to be nervous and I know I'll have no regrets once the baby is here.  It's been eye opening for me to see how genuinely excited people are for this baby--people I don't even know--so we definitely must be headed towards something very special.  Although I don't feel drawn towards babies and don't have the urge to coo and coddle infants I see on the street, I know it will be different with my own child.  And when I take the time to think about it now, I AM looking forward to developing that special bond with my son, and I AM looking forward to moving on from a couple to a cohesive unit of three.  Maybe today's the day I start turning the corner and love and anticipation about my son's arrival begin to replace anxiety and fear.

Fly Fishing for Two

With the Wisconsin inland trout season coming to a close soon and my due date less than three weeks away, I figured I needed to squeeze in a few hours of fly fishing before I lost the chance.  I decided to stay close to home, so I chose a well known stream just ten minutes from my front door.  I haven't spent much time fishing my local waters--I'm on more familiar ground with streams an hour away--so I was looking forward to exploring a new stretch of water that was so conveniently located.


The first point of concern was whether my waders would still fit.  It had been a couple months since I'd last worn them, so I had no idea whether they were going to fit over my belly or not.  As luck would have it, I had about an inch to spare.

After gearing up, I headed down the well worn path from the parking area into the trees.  Normally very nimble and sure-footed, I found myself being extra careful on the steep parts of the trail.  My extra weight out front has apparently affected my balance a bit. Once out of the trees, I entered a meadow of grass reaching above my head.  I silently thanked the previous fishermen who had laid out a maze of trampled paths for me to follow.

Once I reached the water, I followed it downstream a ways so I could fish up. There wasn't much going on in terms of hatches or risers, but on the first cast a little guy made a splashy take at my Pass Lake dropper as soon as it hit the water.  I assumed that was a sign of good things to come.  I continued fishing upstream and had a lot of quick takes on the dropper as it floated along the undercut banks.

As the sun got higher, my stamina got lower.  I could feel my energy waning fast, so after only an hour on the water, I headed back to the parking lot.  It was hard to abandon the runs I saw ahead of me, but I didn't want to test the baby's patience.  Temporarily gone are the days of being able to fish for an entire day without even stopping to eat, but I'm glad I made it out to explore some new water.



As it turned out, I managed to get out one more time before the season closed.  A couple friends were heading to the Driftless for an afternoon and invited me along.  We ended up fishing the same stretch of water we ended the 2012 season on.  It was a similar sort of day, too, with the sun shining, a cool breeze blowing, and the leaves beginning to change color.

There were lots of risers around, and although more fish were missed than caught, enough of them took my flies to make the trip a successful end to the season.

One season is now closed, but a different one is about to begin for me.  I've enjoyed my independence for a long time; I've been able to do what I wanted when I wanted for the most part.  As I prepare for this new adventure, though, I'm beginning to look forward to having responsibility for someone else.  I know I'll miss having the freedom to pack up and leave for a weekend of fishing whenever it suits me, but I predict that spending a weekend with my husband and newborn will be even more fulfilling.  And down the road, I'm looking forward to having a new fly fishing partner by my side.

While Visions of Hoppers Dance in My Head......

Word on the street is it's hopper season in the Driftless.  I wouldn't know, since I haven't had a fly rod in my hand in over two months.  Instead, I get to hear tails of trout making splashy takes for foam hopper patterns and big, bushy stimulators.  With just over a month before my due date, it's not my pregnancy that's kept me off the water or the fact that my waders probably don't fit anymore.  I just haven't been able to escape work.

Since our greenhouse season began last April, I've had a total of three whole days off from work.  Once for my birthday because my mom was in town, once for my baby shower, and once when the heat index was over 100 degrees and my husband was worried about his pregnant wife dealing with the heat.  I'm not exactly complaining; I have a lot of stamina for working.  During the peak of our greenhouse season, I probably put in close to eighty hours each week without losing a step.  As the season starts to slow down in August, I take half days here and there but still put in a good sixty hours in a given week.  It helps that I enjoy what I do.  It also helps that I have slight control issues.....probably more than slight.  I take pride in what I do and want things done in certain ways.  Being physically present at our small business every day leads to consistency and helps us develop good rapport with our customer base.

Now that it's September and we only have a few weeks left  before we shut down for the season, it's still hard to get time off because most of our employees have gone back to school. Being a seasonal business requires us to hire seasonal employees for the most part, and many of them are college students.  This means we lose half of our staff after Labor Day.  So even though our days are much slower at the greenhouse and I would feel comfortable spending more time away, we just don't have employees to cover my absence anymore.  So I just keep plugging away.  Our season will officially end on September 22nd this year, which means I'll have one week to get in as much hopper fishing as I can manage before the Wisconsin trout season closes on September 30th.  Then there should be just a few weeks remaining before our baby enters the world.  From what I hear, I may look back fondly on those eighty hour work weeks once there's a newborn in our midst........

A Change of Scenery

My last fly fishing outing occurred over two months ago.  I managed to spend one last day on the water before our greenhouse season (and the ensuing chaos) began.  It seems forever ago but it was a great day filled with tiny olives and rising fish.

Since late March, my daily scenery has been composed of plants, greenhouses, and sunshine.  It may not be Wisconsin trout streams but it's still pretty good.

The spring of 2013 has been busier than ever, which is great for our greenhouse business but it's left me with zero time for things other than working and sleeping over the last two months.  It's a tough work schedule---an average of eighty hours each week without days off--but it comes with the territory.  We have our down time in the fall and winter.  Now that summer is officially upon us and we're almost into July, my days should start to get a little less rigorous and I'm hoping to get some time to myself and some afternoons on the water.

It's hard to believe that I'm in the sixth month of my pregnancy.  Thinking back to January when it all started, the time has gone unbelievably fast.  The whole experience has also been unbelievably easy so far.  I think giving up caffeine during the first few weeks has been the toughest part.  I didn't experience any morning sickness, and besides needing to sleep about ten hours every day during the first couple months, this pregnancy hasn't prevented me from doing anything I normally would do--except enjoy a cold beer at the end of a long day.  I've still been putting in long, active days at the greenhouse without missing a beat, and I actually don't even think about being pregnant except when I realize another piece of clothing doesn't fit anymore or when I feel slight movements in my tummy.  So all in all, I count myself pretty lucky and this baby pretty cooperative.  Things will likely get harder over the next couple months, and I'm willing to bet that once the baby is actually here everything in our lives will be harder.  So I'm appreciating the time I have now even if it has to be devoted towards work 95% of the time.  There's no feeding times in the middle of the night and no diapers to change yet.  The little guy is along for the ride with whatever I choose to do each day without any objection or hindrance.  Hopefully I'll get on the water soon so he can hear the muffled sounds of a Wisconsin trout stream and get a pre-natal dose of the fly fishing experience.

Does Simms make Maternity Waders?

I've discovered something that is totally ubiquitous yet completely foreign to me.  Pretty much every mother on the planet has gone through this, yet I know next to nothing about it.  I'm speaking of pregnancy.

I am currently beginning my tenth week of growing an embryo, and the whole process is still very abstract to me.  This was a planned event, though my husband and I were taken a little off guard by the speed of conception.  We had spent the last thirteen years making sure that conception never occurred, so it was very strange to reverse our mindsets and actually start trying to make the sperm and egg meet.  I just assumed that it would take a long time for me to get pregnant after being on birth control pills for over a decade.  I guess a woman never knows whether her ovaries are working right until she actually gets pregnant.  For some reason I thought I'd be one of those women with weak ovaries.  Obviously I was wrong.

I have spent zero time around pregnant women, so I'll be learning as I go for the next seven months. Of my close girlfriends, none of them have started a family, and the news of my pregnancy actually makes most of them a bit uncomfortable.  They're not sure how to deal with me, and I'm not sure how to deal with my new pregnant self or them.  I guess we'll be figuring that out as we go.  I've never really had a particular affinity towards womanly things, and I have more male friends than female.  I previously had little need for womanly advice or company--I didn't feel I shared much in common with other females--but now things have changed.  Since I have few friends to discuss my pregnancy with, I've been drawn more to my mom, my mother-in-law, and random women I overhear discussing baby stuff at the grocery store.  I've never felt the need for "girl time," but lately I've been craving more matronly company.  I want more women in my life that can talk about pregnancy and help me wrap my brain around what's happening to me.

So far, the first two months of my pregnancy have gone quite smoothly.  I assumed all pregnant women suffered from nausea during the first trimester, so my total lack of morning sickness and nausea worried me.  Was mine a weak pregnancy because I wasn't getting sick?  Was the embryo not implanted correctly?  The internet is an amazing source of information about pregnancy, but it can get me into trouble at the same time.  When I searched for information regarding a lack of nausea among pregnant women, I found some sources saying that a quarter of pregnant women never experience nausea and that I should count myself lucky.  Another site said that a lack of morning sickness is very rare and can mean a higher risk of miscarriage.  The internet is a double edged sword.  For every pregnancy question I research, I can find sites supporting opposite opinions on the matter.  As it turns out, my mom never was sick with my brother and me.  So I guess I'm just one of those lucky women.

The most difficult part of my pregnancy so far, besides giving up coffee, has been the realization that I am not in control of my body any more.  I've always been an active and healthy individual with a healthy body type, but I'm already beginning to grow out of my jeans.  I know I should be mostly concerned with the health of the baby growing inside me, but it's hard to accept the fact that I can no longer control what my body will look like.  I basically use to "eat to survive."  I didn't get that excited about food; I ate what was good for me and didn't care too much about flavor.  I definitely had my weaknesses for ice cream, but overall I maintained a very bland but healthy diet.  Since being pregnant, I've been experiencing hunger pains like I've never felt before.  They occur every couple hours, and I'm now craving completely different types of foods.  I've gone from a vegetarian to a meat-eater (I had forgotten how delicious a hamburger can taste!) and from a sporadic eater to someone who needs to eat every three hours.  Women aren't supposed to gain much weight during their first trimester, but my waistline is already growing.  Is it selfish and vain to worry about weight gain during pregnancy?  I've seen plenty of women who've given birth and gotten back into shape in no time, but what if it's a struggle for me?  Is my self image tied that much to my physical appearance?  I guess I should appreciate these early months regardless of any slight weight gain because it's only the beginning.  My body is being hijacked by another being, and my belly is only going to get bigger from here on out.  In five months I may be wishing to return to these early months of pregnancy when I could still fit into most of my normal clothes.

For now, I take my prenatal vitamins on a daily basis, eat about five meals a day, and feel my pants get a little tighter each morning.  I know there's no such thing as maternity waders, so thankfully I have a pair with ample room to grow into.

Phase 1

My husband and I have made a decision:  It’s time for us to throw our collective hat into the childbearing ring.

We’ve been married for six years now but have been together for over twelve.  During that time, children were something we said we’d think about later or avoid entirely.  It wasn’t until this last year that we began considering the topic more seriously.  The time has now come to either move towards or around the process of reproduction.

For years, my husband and I both insisted that we’d be content never having children.  We’d squirrel our money away, have more time to devote to our small business, and take more opportunities to travel.  Slowly but surely, we both began to falter at different points this past year.  Now we both agree that children will bring us a different type of contentment down the road.  We’ve also begun to consider our own parents’ futures.  My parents are both relatively young being in their mid- to early fifties, but my wonderful in-laws are already in their mid-sixties.  If we wait much longer to start a family, that severely reduces their time to influence the lives of their grandchildren.  My in-laws support everything my husband and I do, but they very much deserve to have grandkids in their lives, and they will be the most loving grandparents a child could ask for.  We owe it to them to begin the process.  I also think about my husband’s future.  If something happened to me somewhere down the road, I’d hate to think of him being alone.  I don’t think he would handle life on his own very well if I was out of the picture, but having children around could ease his pain.  My husband thinks this is a very morbid reason for having children, but it’s a reason nonetheless.

I’ve never felt any motherly instincts towards children, though I am very nurturing towards my cat.  It’s amazing how the baby talk that used to repulse me comes very easily with my animal companions.  I am also not one of those women who look forward to pregnancy.  I’ve always had a very athletic build and would’ve been happy keeping a slim, boyish figure throughout my life.  Perhaps partly because of athletics and partly due to genetics, I didn’t even start menstruating until college, which was wonderful and embarrassing at the same time.  In middle school gym class, the girls were required to line up at the start of the period and count off for roll call.  We were all assigned numbers to call out, and if anyone was having their period that day, they would add a “half” after their number.  I was never able to call out “seven-and-a-half” because I never had my period.  Menstruating, breasts, and curves were a scary, foreign concept to me at that age, yet I was also self-conscious of not being like the other girls who were going through puberty.  There was always a question on the form I filled out as part of an annual physical that asked the date of a girl’s last period, and I would inevitably make up a date.  Looking back at this time of my life, I wish my mom had shared more information with me, but I know I would have died from embarrassment if she had tried.  Instead, I didn’t ask any questions and my mom didn’t volunteer any information.  It’s hard to believe that she would have been my current age at the time I was going through this stage of life.

I finally started menstruating regularly at the age of twenty once I began taking the pill, and have been on the pill ever since.   When my prescription ran out last month, I officially began Phase 1 of this childbearing process:  I stopped the pill, began taking prenatal vitamins, and started researching ovulation.  Though I taught human anatomy and physiology for years to juniors and seniors in high school, and I’m very much familiar with the textbook process of conception, pregnancy, and birth, I can’t quite fathom going through this process myself.  I assume that it will be difficult for my husband and I to conceive, even though people get pregnant everyday when they’re not even trying.  I guess this assumption stems from the disconnection I have with my own femininity, and also from the newly acquired knowledge that mine would be a “geriatric” pregnancy, as loudly stated by a registered nurse acquaintance.

My husband has also started his own Phase 1:  he’s begun the nesting process of removing extraneous “stuff” from the house and reorganizing the garage and basement.  Though he genuinely worries that he won’t be a good parent, the amount of love he’ll have for a child will be immeasurable, which is really all that matters.  What he lacks in parenting skills will be made up in love.  He worries that he won’t be good at setting boundaries, but from my years of teaching experience, I know how to set expectations and follow through on discipline.  I accept that he will be the good cop and I the bad cop.  I still worry how a child will impinge on my independence and how we will continue to have time and money to invest in our small business, but I guess we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Phase 2 has yet to begin.

Luck

I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I've been pretty darn lucky in life.  I had a great upbringing with a great family, all of which lived within three miles of my childhood home.  I was an excellent high school athlete and student, achieving high honors in three varsity sports and graduating as valedictorian of my class.  I went on to a very reputable state college and was a Big10 athlete there, while meeting my future husband and future best friends.  After college I became a successful biology teacher and earned a master's degree in environmental education.  During my time teaching, my husband and I got married, bought a house, adopted some cats and hens, and built up a family-operated greenhouse and landscaping business.  Recently, I had the opportunity to leave the teaching field to help my husband run that business. 

I guess it's my Midwestern roots that tell me, "Keep this to yourself.  If you admit to your good fortunes some of them will be taken away."  I don't necessarily believe bad things will happen if I discuss my good fortunes, but at the same time I've never verbalized them to anyone before.  Things in my life have a way of falling into place rather smoothly.  Of course I've worked very hard to be successful and to obtain certain goals, and I've had setbacks, but I have yet to experience any huge obstacles in life.  Does that make me lucky?  weak?  spoiled?  Perhaps my work ethic and attitude help deflect major obstacles before they get in my way.
  
Either way, I'm very happy with my life, including the people, companions, and opportunities in it.  Sure there are weak areas in my life that could use some focus, but overall I've got it pretty good:  I've got a first-class education; a first-class husband; an exciting and enviable career; supportive family and friends; a cozy household with three wonderful cats; a backyard with three hens, a view of the woods, and space enough for a vegetable garden; and time to read good books, crochet, tie flies, and fly fish for trout.  I don't need much more in life than that .......except maybe children. 

The topic of kids has been more and more in my radar recently.  Children are the next logical step in a logically-lived life, but there's no looking back once that decision is made.  I'm thirty-two years old but still don't feel mature enough to start having children.  I didn't start menstruating until I was in college (TMI), which makes me feel like my biological clock is ticking ten years behind those of other women my age. There's also some selfishness in putting off pregnancy.  I find it disturbing to think about the physical nature of pregnancy,  not to mention the actual birthing scene.  Also, how will I get chances to trout fish once I have a couple offspring to take care of?  How will I possibly continue my annual camping trips with my girlfriends and the yearly road trip to Montana to fly fish for cutthroats?  I'm sure I'll still be able to do most of the things I currently enjoy doing (I won't be the only parent involved, after all), and it's logical that I'll enjoy being with my kids more than I do these other activities.  But the truth is, I won't have the freedom I currently enjoy.  Kids are a total game changer.  I feel selfish for associating children with vanishing independence, but I also realize that children will surely give me greater rewards than the activities I lament losing.  In the end, though, who knows if I'm even fertile?  I guess the possibility of children in my near future will help me appreciate my independence in the present.